A Companion For Uncle Iroh
by Eilam Wordsmith
Summary: A situation arises that tests Iroh's capacity for joy and Zuko's comfort zone. Featuring snot, homoerotic companions, Mary Sues, Credit Card Thugs, and Lieutenant Ji.
1. Snot and other extreme sports

Author's Note:

This is crack. There's so much crack that I could probably sell it in a back alley somewhere and make a ton of money. But I'm giving it to you for free, instead. Takes place after "The Fortune Teller", but before "The Waterbending Master". Might continue it later if I have the time.

10/5/07

Did some editing; hopefully this chapter is easier to read, now.

* * *

Something was very wrong with Iroh.

Zuko glanced at his uncle again from across the table. The roast duck lay untouched in front of the older man. A full cup of tea rested only inches from Iroh's hand, but he made no move to pick it up.

Iroh sighed and reached for his chopsticks. His nephew watched as Iroh pushed his meal back and forth across the plate.

"Uncle..." Zuko began. What should he say? Iroh had never been like this, even after Lu Ten's death. While Zuko himself was allowed to sulk for weeks on end, his uncle's mood swung only between "silly old coot" and "serious retired general". Sulky just didn't happen. At least, not until now.

"Uncle, have you lost your lotus tile again?" Zuko asked.

Iroh shook his head and let his shoulders droop.

"Is the tea made right?"

A sigh, followed by a nod.

Zuko frowned. If not the tea, then what? What else could have any importance in his uncle's life? An idea formed, and he felt an icy dread. No, it couldn't be...

"Uncle, did I...did I forget your birthday again?"

Iroh blinked. And then the Dragon of the West, former crown prince of the Fire Nation and retired general, threw back his head and cried.

A tight knot of guilt formed in Zuko's gut. He _had_ forgotten Uncle's birthday. How had this happened? Lieutenant Ji was supposed to tell him about these things. Awkwardly, he leaned forward and patted Iroh's shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, Uncle. I'll make it up to you somehow. We can have music night early, if you want. Or we could go shopping. Right?"

Iroh only sobbed harder and pulled his nephew's robes to his face. There was a loud honking sound as he blew his nose on Zuko's silk robe.

Several thoughts ran through the prince's head. The first one was this: _Ew._

Then, _That's not going to wash out. _And, _Doesn't he remember how much this robe _cost_? I'm going to kill him. Murder him in his bed._ Then finally, _You're not allowed to kill your uncle. Even if he did just blow his nose on a very expensive sleeve._

From the depths of the snot-covered robe, Iroh began to blubber, "Oh Zuko, how kind. I don't deserve such a wonderful nephew when I am such a selfish...such a miserable..." And here he blew his nose again.

_I'm not allowed to kill him_, Zuko thought, _but perhaps torture is within reason._

"It's just," Iroh bawled, "I'm so _lonely_!"

The banished prince froze, his thoughts of torture forgotten. Something was very, very wrong here. Off in a far corner of Zuko's brain, a neuron fired.

"So...I didn't forget your birthday?" Zuko asked.

Iroh sniffed. "No, no. I am...I desire a...companion."

Zuko blinked. He blinked again.

"A companion?"

"Yes."

Then, very slowly, Zuko inched away from his uncle. Discussing Uncle Iroh's sex life was very, very high on his list of things that made him distinctly uncomfortable. "Ah, yes." He said. "Well. I'll get right on that. Yes. So I'll just...leave the room now."

"No," Iroh cried, gripping the soaked sleeve tighter, "don't leave me!"

Zuko panicked. Several nightmares concerning the military and what happened when several men lived together for a long time flashed through his mind. "Uncle!" He screamed. "Are you insane?"

Iroh sobbed again. "I'm sorry," he said, "but I need your advice, Zuko! What woman will have me?"

Still struggling to escape, Zuko said, "Advice? What are you talking about?"

"Do not deny it, nephew! I have never seen so many young ladies admire a young man before! Everywhere we go there is a young girl throwing herself at the ship. Why can't I have that?"

Zuko stopped trying to gnaw his arm off. "You want a woman?" He asked. "To have se--" He stopped, blinked, and began to scream.

Iroh dropped Zuko's sleeve to smack the back of his nephew's head. "How could you think something so impure?" He said, a spark of fire back in his eyes. "How shameful! I want to love the way I did with my wife. I want a companion to share my life with! Is that so much to ask?"

Rubbing the back of his head, Zuko glared at his uncle. "If you don't want...that," he said, wincing at his uncle's raised hand, "then why do you need a woman? You're friends with every man on the ship."

The old man sighed and rested his hands on his ample belly. "A woman is different, Prince Zuko. I cannot describe it. My wife was like a perfect cup of tea, a delicate flavor warmed every part of me. After she left this world, I had thought that I would never want to know another woman. But I was wrong."

Zuko stared. "You just compared women to tea."

"It was a simile, nephew."

"You get more obsessed with the stuff every day! Today you compare it to women, and tomorrow you could compare it to breathing! When does it end?"

Iroh lifted an eyebrow in disdain. "You, like many others, do not realize the importance of a good cup of tea."

While Zuko ground his teeth, Iroh picked up his own cooled brew and began to warm it on his hand.

"I did not realize what I was missing until we met young Jun," Iroh continued. "She reminded me of how it felt to be young and passionate. And then we briefly encountered that entrancing woman on the mountain. Do you remember?"

Zuko nodded, then shuddered at the memory of the fortuneteller who was overly fond of blue eye shadow. "Don't tell me you're in love with her, Uncle. I don't think I could take it."

"Don't be foolish, nephew," Iroh said. "Love is too strong a word for such a short encounter. But I did enjoy speaking with her, however briefly. I realized that I wanted something more."

"Uncle, this is a _military vessel_," said Zuko. "We can't just drag a woman around for your amusement."

A single line of snot dripped from Iroh's left nostril. He reached out for Zuko's sleeve.

"But I did miss your birthday, didn't I," Zuko said, trying to scoot backward. "And the ship could use a cook. Right, we'll get right on that. Now let go of my sleeve!"


	2. First Port: Spot the movie reference!

Zuko was distinctly uncomfortable with this situation. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that his uncle was wearing a suit that made him look like a very fat penguin. Or maybe it was because Uncle had sprayed himself with a perfume that would have made a Shirshu linger in a coma for days before finally dying with one last bone-rattling cough.

The most likely reason, however, was that his uncle was dressed and scented as described above...and was _in public_!

Couldn't he have had the decency to not talk to his obviously distressed nephew? No no, of course not. This is family we're talking about. And lord knows, family lives to torment their teenagers.

"How do I look, nephew?" Iroh asked as he beamed with pride.

The prince groaned and covered his face with his hand. How had he agreed to this? What could have possibly coerced him to stoop to such humiliating levels? Then he remembered the fine robe he once had, now stained beyond all recognition.

Curse Uncle Iroh and his snot.

"Uncle," Zuko said, refusing to remove his face from the safety of his hand, "you look absolutely ridiculous."

Iroh's face fell. "But how could that be? I heard that women cannot resist a man in a suit!"

"Mommy, look!" A little girl shoved her way through the crowd and poked Iroh's ample stomach. "See, Mommy! It's a panda!"

The girl's mother snatched her daughter's hand away and smiled apologetically at the two royals before disappearing into the crowd.

"You see!" Iroh said, smiling even wider than before. "Two young women who could not keep their eyes off me. The suit works!"

There was a long silence from the young prince. Then, "You are a very sick and lonely man, Uncle."

From somewhere in the crowd came a high-pitched shriek. "OMIGOD! It's _Zuko_ and he's _angsting_!"

A rumble began under Iroh's feet. He turned to look at his nephew and saw the young man's face had turned the color of parchment, his eyes wide with fear.

"My Agni," Zuko whispered, "they found me. I can't believe it, but they've found me. Run for it, Uncle!"

"Zuko, what..."

But Zuko had already begun to sprint away. He turned and shouted over his shoulder, "Who do you think? It's the Mary Sues!"

Iroh blinked, watching as his nephew ran for the safety of the ship. The rumbling grew worse, and then a veritable stampede of young women aged eleven to eighteen and dressed in all manner of outlandish red outfits surged past. Many of them sparkled like 10 megawatt bulbs, and so a momentarily blind Iroh did not see the young man until the raging hormones had ebbed.

"Crazy, isn't it?" Asked the boy standing next to him.

The old general nodded. "Am I correct in believing that one of them was attempting to teleport?"

"Yeah, that's princess what's-her-name. The one with the maroon dress."

"Ah," said Iroh. "And who would you be?"

The boy turned and looked at Iroh, and only then did the Dragon of the West notice the tight red spandex and "fiery amber eyes".

"Gary Stu," the boy said. "I specialize in the field of homo-erotic. Here's my card."

He handed a sparkly red business card to Iroh. It read as follows:

Gary Stu

Homo-Erotic Companion

For men and boys of all ages!

Condoms provided.

Fire Nation Approved!

"Do you like Pai-Sho?" Gary asked. "Because I have a position that I like to call 'The Lotus Tile'." He then placed both hands behind his head and thrusted his pelvis forward. "Oh yeah."

Iroh looked at the card. And then at the boy. And then the card again.

Zuko was just beginning to hit his stride. All these fan girl chases had left him in such good shape that he could have competed in the long-distance running category of the Fire Nation Olympics. So he was very surprised when the fat black-and-white blur that was his uncle passed him, reaching the ship a full length ahead of his nephew.


	3. SFB, Looking For Company

A Companion For Uncle Iroh

Chapter Three: SFB, Looking For Company

Author's Note: This is so very, very late. I promised two weeks, and it took almost two months. On the bright side, this probably won't happen again. Why? Because I no longer have a part-time job! Whee! Now all I need is moneys. Many mucho moneys.

The credit card bit is not entirely mine; I got the idea from a little Avatar in a Nutshell flash video made by KimchiCrusader. She's way funnier than I'll ever be. I'll put the link up later; I seem to have misplaced it.

Enjoy!

* * *

"So mingling with the crowd did not work so well," Iroh said. "But at least we met some interesting people!"

Zuko glared at him from beneath a small mound of glitter, courtesy of the army of Mary Sues. The stuff had been stuck to him for a week now, despite all efforts involving crowbars, WD-40, and Uncle Iroh's cologne.

Needless to say, Zuko was not happy.

"Do not worry, my nephew," Iroh said, pulling a scroll out of his sleeve, "I have a new, fool-proof plan!"

Zuko's eyes went wide with terror, and there was a small _poof_ of pink glitter as he tried to run out of the room. Unfortunately, the same glitter also got under his leather shoes and made him slip, falling flat on his sparkly face.

"You see, I discovered something called a personal advertisement," Iroh continued. A muffled scream came from the pile of glitter.

"If you send in a letter, special messengers will carry it to all the nations for a low, low price! Isn't that wonderful, nephew?"

_Oh no,_ Zuko thought. _Not again. Not now! My credit's maxed out already, thanks to that cleaning bill for my robe. Must...not...let...Uncle...shop!_

"Now, let's see, where is that ink..." Iroh said, pulling from his sleeve a dog biscuit, tea kettle, pink conch shell, three pai-sho tiles, a set of false teeth, and a pot of ink. (Whole continents have been known to hide in the retired General's sleeves. It has been speculated that the vast Earth Kingdom armies he defeated were not slaughtered, but accidentally swept up into his left sleeve. Physicists will deny it, but who cares what they think?)

Iroh bent over a fresh scroll, biting one end of a calligraphy brush. "Now then, what shall I write? Ah!"

Single White Firebender, Looking For Company

Former Prince and General, Likes to Travel

Enjoys Singing, Music Nights, Shopping.

Love of Tea a Must, Particularly Ginseng.

Though Jasmine Tea Is Fine.

So Is Any Tea, In Fact.

XOXOXO

"What do you think of that, nephew? Nephew?"

Glitter is flammable. Highly flammable, actually. Zuko is a fire bender. He is covered in pink glitter, which he dislikes immensely. And he is very angry.

I think you get the picture.

Uncle Iroh turned and ran, tucking the scroll back up his sleeve.

Behind him came the fireball formerly known as Prince, every one of the millions of glittery bits ablaze.

* * *

Zuko was never quite sure how his uncle had sent the scroll out. He suspected that the bribery of Lieutenant Ji was involved somehow. The only thing he was sure of was that his credit card company had sent him a politely threatening note, requesting that he send them money or else he would receive a few visitors. Very big, very muscular, and very angry visitors.

That had been a big tip. That and the mountain of scrolls that came in reply to Iroh's advertisement.

"Look, nephew, this one is pink and scented!" Iroh exclaimed. " 'Dear Sir, perhaps you do not remember me, but my name is Gary Stu and'...oh, dear. He included a picture."

Iroh's face turned a very delicate shade of green, which can be translated to mean, "I am already scarred for life and am going to throw up very soon if you do not remove this image from my eyes." Fortunately, one of the crew happened to speak Faceturningcolorsese, and removed the offending scroll before the retired general could, as they say in the fire nation, "blow chunks".

"This one's from some fortune teller in the Earth Kingdom, sir," Lieutenant Ji said, handing over a new parchment. Iroh brightened considerably.

" 'Hello there, handsome,'" he read. Then he turned to the crew. "Did you hear that, men? She called me handsome! 'I saw your advertisement and my inner eye told me that it was you. My inner eye also told me that we will marry and have many babies. Take me now, hot stuff.'"

Several members of the crew had already run to tell Prince Zuko. Those loyal few who remained appeared to be thinking very hard of old people _not_ making babies. The ones who did not succeed screamed and clutched at their eyes, saying, "I'm blind, I'm blind!"

Iroh was blushing. "Oh, my. She has sent a picture as well."

"Uncle! What have I told you about terrorizing the crew!" Zuko yelled, charging onto the deck. "And what are all these scrolls doing here?"

The retired general had the grace to look chagrined. Just not very much. "Ah, nephew, I see you have removed the last of the glitter. How wonderful!"

Zuko only glared harder, "Uncle, why have I received a polite scroll from my credit card company saying that they will rip me limb from limb if I don't pay back my over-extended credit?"

A fine trickle of sweat appeared on Iroh's brow.

"Oh, nephew, I did tell you to be more responsible with your money--"

"Uncle."

"It wasn't much--"

"_Uncle._"

"Only one hundred gold pieces--"

"UNCLE!"

Scrolls and pieces of parchment are flammable. Very flammable. Zuko is a fire bender. Need I go on?

"That was not very nice, nephew," Iroh remarked as he rubbed his singed eyebrows. "Now I shall have to begin my search all over again."

"Not with _my_ money," Zuko said.

A very evil look appeared in his uncle's eye.

"Oh, Zuko, I seem to be coming down with a cold."

"What?!"

"Let me borrow your sleeve--"

"No! Back, back you snot monster! You booger beast! Stay back!"

_Hooorrrrrrrnnnnnngggggghhhhhhkkkkkk._

"Ugh! Uncle, this was a brand-new robe!"


	4. Troubles From Rhymes with Wisa

**Author's Note: **First of all, thank you for being so patient. I am officially the Queen of Procrastination. But, to be honest, I wasn't really sure what to write. I didn't want to disappoint you with some lame-o chapter after such a long wait, so I had to try out a few ideas to get this far. It was a suggestion from fourfourfourfour, actually. A comment about Zuko's revenge got the wheels turning eventually. This is the same user who has commented on each chapter to date. So, thank you!

Also, let me give a shout out to all of you who told me how much this silly story made your day. Turning someone's mood around after a long and stressful day has always been one of the most rewarding things I can think of, and (I hope) one of my greatest talents. Thank you.

* * *

Zuko was dreaming.

The dream was called "Firegirls Gone Wild: Ember Island Style!" It was rated 'X', for "perverted and teenage boys only". There was very little clothing involved.

"Zuko?"

Ah, yes. The redhead was making her move.

"Zuko?"

Just a little closer...

"Nephew? Why are you drooling?"

Abort! Abort! Mission failure! All hands, abandon ship!

Still unconscious, Zuko's hands made throttling motions. Fortunately for Uncle Iroh, the retired general was a safe distance away, poking his nephew with a stick.

"Uncle..." groggily, Zuko tried to lift his head from the pillow. "I feel a sudden urge to maul you."

"That is understandable, Prince Zuko," Iroh replied, beaming. "You of all people should know how much I enjoy going to the mall!"

It took several moments for Zuko to realize the nature of the homophonic (and extremely lame) pun.

His sheets caught fire.

"UNCLE!"

"Honestly, Zuko! You cannot blame me for sitting your bed sheets on fire!"

When Lieutenant Ji came in a moment later, he was unsurprised to find Zuko's bed on fire, with the young prince attempted to decapitate his uncle.

"Uh, Prince Zuko--" Ji began.

Zuko turned, a mad look in his eye. "Lieutenant! Perfect timing! Hold him down while I cut him like an emo boy!" The swords gleamed in the firelight.

Lieutenant Ji held very still. He had heard that the prince could only detect movement. Hold perfectly still, and he would not see you.

Zuko continued to snort smoke out of his nose for a moment. Then he blinked, his good eye widening in surprise.

"Lieutenant? Where did you go?"

Worked every time.

"Nephew," Iroh said, "I believe Lieutenant Ji may have come to warn you about the men on deck."

Zuko glared. "What men?"

"They said that they are here representing your credit card company, Prince Zuko. They are quite large. And muscular. And capable of snapping a man's back in two."

It would be interesting to note that Zuko's desk and trashcan were piled with notes that read "Third Notice", "Final Notice", and "Thug Notice". There was a letter from Fire Lord Ozai, as well. It read:

Dear Son.

I never realized just how incredibly stupid you were until I received your letter begging for a larger allowance. Go to hell.

Sincerely,

Your Loving Father

Needless to say, Zuko was in very big trouble.

Oh, yes.

But when opportunity knocks, Prince Zuko drags it inside, ties it to his bedpost, and proceeds to have his way with it. Usually black leather is involved.

"Snap a man's back, you say," Zuko said, looking at Iroh thoughtfully. "In two, you say?"

Realizing the immediate threat to his physical and economical well being, Iroh attempted to flee. For once, however, Zuko was ready for him.

"Oh no, you don't," he said, pulling out a roll of duct tape. "It's time for a little..._compensation_."

The crew was very nervous. They were Fire Nation soldiers, trained to resist fear and defeat their enemies for the glory of the country.

But they had never signed on to fight credit card company thugs. One of them was _chewing leather_.

Minimum wage and national loyalty will only get you so far. About five inches, to be exact.

So they were very relieved when Prince Zuko made his appearance. The sooner the brutality, violence, and mauling was over, the sooner the thugs would be off the ship. Some of the crew were actually looking forward to seeing Zuko smashed to a pulp. They had brought popcorn.

"Hello, there." Zuko said, smiling. "I understand that you're looking for someone named Zuko."

The chief thug, who had a tattoo of an egg on his left forearm, grunted. "You him?"

The prince laughed. "No, no. The one you want is right here!"

And with that, he dragged out a severely duct-taped Uncle Iroh, who appeared to be sweating quite profusely.

The thugs blinked. Egg used his mace to scratch his bottom. "Scroll said Zuko was sixteen," he growled.

Zuko began to sweat at a level matching his uncle's. "Ah, well, he only _looks_ old. It's all that sea air, and stress. It ages you, you know."

The crew was aghast. It was a brilliantly executed move. Lieutenant Ji reached for another handful of popcorn.

Egg Thug opened the scroll calling for Prince Zuko's immediate evisceration. He squinted at it, then at Iroh, then at the scroll again. It was all a bluff, of course. The only characters he understood were the ones on his arm, and he thought those meant "I squash you good." This had led to many interesting breakfast conversations in the past.

Finally, he put away the scroll and shrugged. "As long as we get money, or we squish somebody, we happy. We happier to squish."

The thugs gathered around Uncle Iroh, lifted their various clubs, maces, axes, and in one case a very lethal stuffed cat.

The crew were absolutely frozen, transfixed in horror. Lieutenant Ji's mouth was hanging open, popcorn spilling from it onto the deck.

Zuko grinned. _Finally! After so many robes ruined by snot, revenge will be mine!_

Weapons of mass destruction descended upon their duct-taped victim...

"STOP!"

...and halted, inches from Iroh's nose.

All heads turned to see who had spoken.

Standing on the deck, hands raised, red spandex quivering, glossy hair blowing in the wind, was Gary Stu.

Uncle Iroh let out a muffled scream that was heard through several layers of duct tape.

"You cannot harm this gentle and sexy creature!" Gary exclaimed. "I have heard of the plight on this ship, and have brought all my homo-erotic savings to repay your debts!"

Iroh attempted to wriggle away, but Gary Stu was too quick for him. He leapt upon the retired general, embracing him.

"This is not the one you seek, anyway!" He said. "This is General Iroh, Dragon of the West, hero of the Fire Nation, and my one true love!"

Egg blinked. "The hell?" He grunted.

"That's right! I would go through hell for him!" Gary exclaimed. "I would swim the widest sea, climb the highest mountain!"

Lieutenant Ji, sensing that his services were required, pointed to Prince Zuko, who was staring, dumbfounded, at the scene before him.

"That," said Ji, "is the squish you're looking for."

As the thugs moved in on the prince, Gary nuzzled Iroh's whiskers.

"I found the squish _I_ was looking for," he gushed.

Iroh screamed again.

* * *

**Final Author's Note:** Did anyone catch that Jurassic Park reference?


End file.
